by Shona Tee
When I got sick, I thought the world would stop for a beat in a way I could comprehend. That it would all fit neatly away like putting chapters of a book back on the shelf, and I would find it right where I left it.
But it didn’t.
It was more like losing time in installments. Days slid together and then stretched out awkwardly after everything was finished. The quiet is what I remember most-how even as life kept its tempo outside my window, it still seemed distant, as if seen through a slightly altered lens.
After I was “better,” the expectation was that I would resume, just like before, without any hesitancy. But I could feel that I hadn’t come back exactly the way I had gone. It wasn’t like I was drastically different, but subtle things had shifted and I couldn’t always place why.
My energy wasn’t consistently synchronized with everyone else’s. My concentration wavered differently. Even my experience of time felt a little bit skewed, like I was still acclimatizing to a rhythm I hadn’t yet completely remembered.
The surprising part was how unnoticed it all was by everyone else.
From the outside, it looked like it was finished.
From the inside, it felt like something had reshaped itself, and I was still learning how to be around it.
I don’t think I talk about it that much ever really. I think it was a big thing yes, absolutely it was. It was progressive, it was subtle, it was just one of those things that was sort of lurking in your background space even once it was ‘resolved’ and “okay” again and it was just that rather than, as I say, necessarily what it felt like to be physically sick. It felt like what it felt like to be sick in that it was this quiet background thing that you really couldn’t quite flag up to anyone else really.
That probably was forefront.
Art by Brotherly Love, “Unwell“
About the Author
Shona advocates for mental health awareness and the importance of speaking openly about struggles. Through her stories and creative work, she hopes to remind others that asking for help is a strength and that no one deserves to face their battles alone.